Absence
by slashtasticsam
Summary: Harry's done the worst thing he could possibly do to himself. He's fallen in love with his best friend. M/M, Ron/Harry.


**Title:** Absence  
><strong>Gift For:<strong> The HarryRonHoliday Community over on LJ.**  
><strong>**Fandom:** Harry Potter  
><strong>Pairing:<strong> Harry/Ron  
><strong>Rating:<strong> NC-17  
><strong>Word Count:<strong> ~5,000  
><strong>Summary:<strong> Harry's done the worst thing he could possibly do to himself. He's fallen in love with his best friend.  
><strong>Warnings:<strong> Spoilers. Frotting, Rimming, Anal, Fingering, Wall Sex, Angst, mentions of Alcohol Abuse and Sexual Promiscuity, Mentions of past Harry/Ginny and Ron/Hermione, and an Uncertain Ending.  
><strong>Author's Note:<strong> This one was a hard one. I'm not used to writing angst, and it hurts me a little to put characters in such situations. But, i like how it turned out! :D  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> All Harry Potter characters herein are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No copyright infringement in intended.

HxR HxR HxR HxR

The 7th year, Gryffindor boys' dorm was filled with the sounds of sleeping men. The low rumble of Neville's snores was accompanied by the sharp creaks of Dean's dilapidated springs and the rustle of Seamus' blankets. The only one not in the throes of slumber was Harry. He had tried to allow the soft sounds of night to usher him to sleep, but his subconscious, it seemed, would not allow him.

How could he possibly sleep when something vital was missing? Neville's snores just weren't the right timbre. The creaks from Dean's springs were too high, and Seamus' rustling wasn't consistent enough.

'That's the problem with sharing a room with the person you love', Harry thought. 'You get too used to their habits to sleep without them.'

Harry studied the patterns of moonlight that spilled across the cobblestone floor in front of his bed. He tried in vain not to glance too often at the empty bed beside his. It hurt too much to contemplate why a certain red-haired boy wasn't snoring, creaking, and rustling there.

Harry could feel the exhaustion pulling against his consciousness, but no matter what he did, he was unable to succumb. This was the third night in a row that Ron had not slept in his own bed, and subsequently the third night in a row that Harry lay awake all night, tired and hurting.

Harry and Ron had both returned to Hogwarts after Voldemort's demise to finish their seventh year of schooling. The other boys in their year had decided to repeat the year as well, the education that they received the year before was lacking to say the least. It was a hard decision for Harry and Ron to make, but after the awful summer they had, they felt as though they had little choice.

A lot of things happened over the summer. The wounds and grief acquired during the war were a much larger obstacle than anyone could have foreseen. Deep anger, sadness, and resentment crept into the cracks in the foundation of a generation of young men and women, especially in those closest to the epicenter of the war. No one knew what to do in the aftermath of such devastation. There weren't any guides to life after war. No manuals or pamphlets detailing how to live in a world without siblings, friends, or mentors. Those cracks grew into fissures, turning once blossoming relationships into sources of anger, of resentment.

In that way, Harry's relationship with Ginny ended, with a wall of ice between them. Harry was trying to learn how to live in world where he didn't have to fight in order to live, while Ginny was trying to solidify a relationship that was built on a foundation of fear and jealousy. In the end, their relationship crumpled under the weight of expectations. Ginny wanted to be married, and Harry just wanted to be free. It was Harry who called an end to the charade. He didn't want to be in a relationship that would lead to resentment; a futile endeavor, as Ginny now resented him anyway.

Ron and Hermione's relationship ended in much the same way. Hermione couldn't handle Ron's grief over his brother, and deal with her Obliviated parents, and help set up a successful government at the same time. The pressure got to be too much, and she ended the relationship. Ron took it very hard. Hermione, and his relationship with her, had been his vice. Without it, he floundered. In desperation he turned to drinking and anonymous sex, to level out his emotions. Harry wished that Ron would have turned to him instead.

Without guidance, those affected all turned to new vices. Some in alcohol, drugs, and medication. Others turned to rebuilding the world they once knew, the school they grew up in, the villages that once flourished in magic. Some of the more determined took to rebuilding their failed Government. Ron lost himself in one-night-stands and risky sex. Harry tried to find himself, and ended up in love with Ron.

Every night in the castle, Harry would watch his friend chat up a new conquest for the night, all the while anger and pain would bubble up in his stomach. Every time he had to go up to the dorms alone, or hear Ron sneak away in the dead of night, he could feel his throat swell closed, and the sting of tears in his eyes. He hadn't meant to fall in love with his best friend. All Harry wanted was to be free, now that he no longer lived in the shadow of Voldemort. In finding his freedom, he found Ron to be his one source of stability. Even when the world was falling apart around him, and his other relationships began to crack and fade, Ron was always his best friend. Sometimes, Harry wished that he hadn't been. Maybe then, he wouldn't have done the most idiotic thing he could possibly think of, and fall in love with Ron.

Harry was brought back to himself by the creak of someone opening the dorm door. He glanced up to watch, sadly, as Ron drunkenly crept his way towards his bad.

"Long night?" Harry didn't know what possessed him to say such a thing. He hadn't once brought up Ron's nightly proclivities, and he was sure Ron thought he was ignoring that they exist. But, he was so itired/i of pretending that he wasn't hurting. Something had to give, and Harry's subconscious had decided that now was the time.

Ron blinked bewilderingly up at Harry from where he was struggling to untie his trainers. "Wazza-?"

Harry took a deep breath, and decided to go with his subconscious. He knew he needed to do something. This could not continue to go on any longer. Harry knew that if he didn't say something now, he'd end up more hurt than he already was. So, he quickly donned his glasses and snatched his wand up from the nightstand, casting a quick Silencio, so as not to wake their dorm mates.

"Where have you been, Ron?" Harry asked quietly.

"Wha-?" Ron still looked sincerely bemused over Harry's questioning.

"Where have you been?" Harry repeated sternly, not allowing himself to be put off.

"I wazzat the hogshead, Harry," Ron slurred, not looking Harry in the eye.

"For three nights in a row?" Harry felt his eyebrow rise in disbelief.

"Yeah," Ron muttered, still without looking up from his feet.

"Look me in the eye, and tell me the truth," Harry demanded.

"Who are you, my mother?" Ron asked angrily, finally glancing up at Harry.

"No, I'm just your best friend," Harry responded heatedly.

A spark of deep guilt glowed in Ron's eyes for a few seconds, before he physically shook it away. "I don't want to talk about it, Harry," Ron declared, decisively.

It's too bad for Ron that Harry wasn't going to let him leave it at that. "Talk about what? The fact that you get drunk and fuck a different person every night?"

"Harry-" Ron started angrily, but was interrupted.

"No, Ron. You can't expect me to just ignore what's happening. Not anymore. Not when it's hurting you." 'And me,' Harry thought, but couldn't find it in himself to say.

"I'm fine, Harry," Ron deflected, with a shake of his head.

"You smell like arse, and look like shite," Harry refuted. "You are so obviously not fine, it's as obvious as the nose on your face."

"Are you sayin' my nose is big," Ron joked lamely, trying to throw Harry off his interrogation.

"If you think that will work on me, you don't know me very well," Harry said, sadly.

"Why do you care anyway?" Ron demanded, the fury returning to his eyes.

"I'm your best friend! That's why I care!" Harry exclaimed, feeling his heart jump nervously in his throat.

"Hermione was my best friend too, and she obviously never cared!"

"I'm not Hermione!" Harry refuted desperately.

"No, you're definitely not." Ron's cold declaration chilled Harry down to his bones. He felt nausea curl in his stomach, and his eyelids become tight and itchy.

"Why do you insist on comparing me to her?" Harry whispered, sadly.

"Why do you insist on asking me so many questions?" Ron snapped. "Why Harry? Why does any of it matter to you, really?"

"Because, I'm in love with you!" The announcement left Harry's lips before he could stop it. He flinched at the astonished expression on Ron's face, and felt ice crawl slowly through his veins.

"But… Harry, why-" Ron started to place his hand on Harry's shoulder, but Harry flinched backwards before he could.

"Why do I love you, Ron?" Harry asked miserably. "Why does it hurt me when you sleep with someone else? Why can't I sleep if you're not here, and spend all night hurting when you are? Merlin only knows why I fell in love with you, Ron."

Ron's blue eyes were wide with shock, and his hand was still hanging awkwardly in the air, and Harry just couldn't handle it anymore. He quickly snatched his wand from where it was resting on his mattress, and slipped out of bed. He forced his feet into his trainers, and grabbed his Invisibility Cloak from the bottom of his trunk.

"Harry, where are you going?" Ron grabbed his arm and turned Harry around to face him.

"I'm going to the Room of Requirement, for the night."

"We have to talk about this, don't we?" Ron followed Harry down to the Common Room. He was looking more insistent and serious than he had for a long time.

"Yes, we do," Harry agreed, sadly. "But not while you're drunk, and stink of someone else."

Ron nodded, and watched, sadly, as Harry switched on the Cloak, and his invisible form exited through the Fat Lady's portrait.

HxR HxR HxR HxR

Harry entered the Great Hall early the next morning. He was hoping to grab something to eat before Ron arrived. He still hadn't decided what he was going to say to him, even after thinking about it all night.

There were very few people in the Hall yet. Harry could only spot a few first years at the Gryffindor table, and quickly strode towards where he could see toast and jam. Harry wasn't sure he could handle eating anything else just now.

Harry quickly slathered some jam on his toast, and jogged quickly out of the Hall. He strode purposefully to the wall opposite the painting of Barnabas the Barmy, and stopped short as soon as he saw the figure waiting there. Apparently Ron had decided to not to wait for Harry to come to him, and had come to find Harry himself.

Ron turned his head up from where he had been looking at his toes, to see Harry standing at the end of the hall. "I thought I'd wait for you to come out for breakfast, but I suppose you already have."

Harry nodded, stubbornly not stepping forward.

"I tried to get inside, but the bloody thing wouldn't let me in." Ron's voice was strained as he tried to get his friend to talk to him.

"That's because I told it not to," Harry felt a swell of guilt as Ron looked physically struck by his cold attitude. He sighed, and quickly paced three times in front of the wall. The door appeared and Harry held it open for Ron to pass through.

Ron gave Harry a nervous smile as he passed him and entered what appeared to be a duplicate of the Gryffindor common room.

"I thought it would be more comfortable this way." Harry grudgingly admitted, as he entered the room himself.

"'Tis nice." Ron awkwardly sat on the armchair closest to the fireplace.

Harry took the chair opposite his friend, and took a deep breath to calm his nerves. Today would be a culmination of everything he had been through in the past few months. This conversation could spell the end of the closest relationship he had ever had, and Harry was terrified that he might lose Ron for good.

He shakily looked into Ron's eyes. He wanted to know where he stood with his friend, if Ron was even his friend anymore. All he saw in Ron's eyes was nervous determination. Harry was thankful that he didn't see hatred or anger in them, but it didn't help his fear.

"I don't know where to begin," Harry blurted, suddenly.

"The beginning might be nice," Ron responded with a small smile.

Harry felt himself relax slightly. "Alright then," He had to think for a minute. "It started when you pulled me from that lake when we were Horcrux Hunting, do you remember?" Ron gave him a look, and Harry laughed self-depreciatingly. "'Course you do. I thought I was gonna die, ya know? I thought I was going to drown, and I'd never see you again. That I'd never get to tell you that I was sorry." Ron opened his mouth to protest, but Harry pushed on.

"That I'd never get to tell you what our friendship meant to me. I know we don't talk about this stuff, mate. But the truth is that I never had a friend before you. Frankly, no one ever even cared about me before I met you, and that means a lot to me. It means everything." Ron nodded at Harry to continue.

"I didn't know it then, but the moment you pulled me out the lake I fell in love with you. Ridiculous, I know. But I think that's how love's supposed to be. Love is sudden, and without reason. Not that I don't have reasons to love you!" Harry hastily assured Ron. "I do! Loads of them! It just happened rather fast, and I didn't realize it until much later.

"I guess I must have known, instinctually, that I loved you when I was with Ginny. I knew that I didn't love her. I knew that I had mistaken jealousy for something more, but I tried my hardest to make it deeper. I tried to love her, Ron, I truly did. But, we went into the relationship for all the wrong reasons, and it couldn't last. I never thought that the reason I couldn't love her, was because I was already in love with you.

"So, I ended it. I know that she was furious with me, and I know it broke your mother's heart, but I couldn't keep stringing her along that way. It wasn't fair to either of us. You were there for me though." Harry smiled at Ron's bashful expression. "Even though I hurt your sister, you stuck with me while I was trying to put my life back together. I think I finally figured it out when I was trying to figure out what to do with my life, and you were the one who knew me well enough to suggest healing."

"It suits you," Ron said, gently grabbing Harry's hand with his own. "You like to help people instead of fight them. That's always been who you are."

Harry blushed and pulled his hand away. Ron realized what he'd done, and blushed as well. They both sat awkwardly for a few seconds, before Harry blustered on.

"When you and Hermione broke up, it hurt me too. I hated seeing you so upset. I hated even more that I couldn't tell you that I loved you, that someone cared enough to stick around. The only thing I could do was be your friend, and watch as you started drinking and sleeping around. It broke me, a little, when you turned to those things instead of turning to me." Harry admitted. "I love you, and I wanted to help but you wouldn't let me.

"I haven't been sleeping well; I can't even eat when I know that you're with someone else. It makes me sick to think that those people you're with could take advantage of you."

"Harry," Ron started, gently. "I'm an adult. I chose to do those things. I can take care of myself."

"I know that!" Harry shouted. "I know that. It just hurts me that that's what you've chosen for yourself." He leapt to his feet, no longer able to stay seated.

"But it _is_ my choice, Harry." Ron stood up, mirroring Harry.

"I wish you would choose me instead." Both men were in an awkward standstill. Neither really understood where to go from here. They both knew that what happened next would be up to Ron. Harry knew what he wanted; it was Ron's decision on whether or not he shared that want.

"I have to go," Ron turned and quickly strode to the door. He only paused to say; "I have to think about it." And then he was gone.

Harry felt the blood drain from his face, and dropped to the ground when his knees could no longer hold him up. It was over. Harry had no doubt about what Ron's decision would be. Ron didn't care for him that way. Harry had known that going in, but that didn't stop his heart from breaking just the same.

HxR HxR HxR HxR

Harry was still on his knees when he heard footsteps outside the Room. He knew that he had been there for several hours at least, but time seemed inconsequential when his heart was so broken. He felt the pain in his knees only vaguely, as if in a dream.

The door creaked open, and Harry thought that he should probably care, but he didn't. What did it matter to him if someone saw him this way? He didn't think that he would recover from this, so he might as well face the world's disappointment now.

"Harry?" Ron asked, gently. "Have you been there this whole time?"

Harry didn't answer. Why bother? He knew why Ron had come, to reject him. Couldn't Ron have just ignored him? Why did he have to do this to Harry's face? Harry gathered what was left of his courage and finally looked into Ron's eyes, bracing himself.

Ron's worried face softened and he reached his hand out to help Harry up. Harry looked at the hand with trepidation, but in the end he allowed Ron to help him to his feet.

"I'm not very good at this sort of thing, Harry," Ron admitted.

'Than why are you doing it?' Harry thought, anguished.

"But, I'm willing to try." Harry looked up at Ron, startled. Ron gave a small grin. "I know you care for me Harry, and I want that. I want to try and care for you too. But, I'm not sure I know how."

"I guess, we'll have to learn together," Harry offered, shakily. He couldn't believe that this was happening.

"I've been with a few blokes, Harry," Ron admitted. "I know what the mechanics are, but I don't know how a relationship would work."

"I don't know either, Ron. But, it has to be a relationship. I won't be a one-off, or a replacement." Harry would not budge on this. He knew it would kill him if Ron treated him that way.

"You won't be, Harry. I'm not saying it'll last forever, or that it will be perfect, but I can promise that I will try," Ron looked seriously at Harry. "What I want to know is, have you ever been with a man?"

"You know I've never been with anyone." Harry blushed in embarrassment.

"Not even Ginny?" Ron looked genuinely surprised at the revelation. "Because, Hermione and I-."

"I don't want to know about you and Hermione," Harry winced. "I told you it never felt right with Ginny. We never even came close to doing anything."

"I'll be your first then." Ron gave Harry a darkly possessive look that gave Harry the chills.

"Yes, I suppose you will be." Harry shakily rested a hand on Ron's arm.

But, Ron wasn't about to let it end there. He quickly grabbed Harry's hand and pulled him flush against him, chest-to-chest.

Harry gasped, surprised at his friend's boldness, and glanced fearfully at their intertwined fingers. He had never done anything like this before.

Ron used his other hand to gently pet the back of Harry's neck, soothing him. The other hand trailed up Harry's arm, and down his side, sending Harry quivering. Ron's fingers snagged the ends of Harry's shirt and tugged it upwards, revealing Harry's pink nipples. Ron eyed them hungrily for a moment, before diving in and lapping at one eagerly.

Harry let out a startled mewl, and grasped his hands in Ron's hair. Ron nipped and sucked on the nipple before switching to the other. Harry's knees felt week and his prick pulsed with desire.

Ron had obviously noticed his arousal, as his hand had slid down to rub Harry through his trousers. Harry cried out at the first touch of another's hand on his bits. He had to keep himself from coming right then. This felt a lot nicer than his usual wank.

Ron paused in his ministration to tug Harry's shirt off completely. He stilled for a moment, blatantly staring at Harry's lips. Harry shifted nervously.

"You know, I never kissed any of those one-offs." Ron said matter-of-factly.

"You didn't?" Harry whispered.

"No." Ron lunged for Harry's lips and captured them in his own; suckling and nibbling on them until they turned bright red. Harry whimpered into Ron's mouth, feeling more passionate than he ever had with Ginny or Cho.

Harry could feel Ron getting anxious as his hand slid to thumb the button on Harry's jeans. He quickly undid the button and the zip before yanking the fabric down Harry's slim legs. Ron took a moment to appreciate the sight of his friend in just pants.

Harry shifted and covered himself shyly. "You're a little overdressed."

Ron smiled and pulled his sweater quickly over his head, and pushed his trousers and pants off in one go.

Harry gulped loudly as he got his first view of his friend's erect cock. It was long and thick, and it curled endearingly to the right. Harry felt his mouth water as a pearl of precum began to bead at the dark red glistening tip.

Ron laughed darkly and pulled Harry's nearly naked body back against him. He ground his hips roughly into Harry's, who let out a choked-off cry. Harry could feel his precum and Ron's begin to soak his briefs. He felt dirty and sexy and debauched all at once. It was both incredibly erotic and terrifying.

Ron trailed his hands down to squeeze Harry's arse roughly. Harry squeaked, and attempting to get away and accidently ground his erection more firmly against Ron's. Both men let out low groans at the friction.

Ron tugged insistently at Harry's briefs. "I want these off." Harry backed far enough away to allow Ron to pull them quickly down his legs. Harry kicked them aside, as Ron stared admiringly at his weeping cock.

Harry nervously covered himself with his hands but Ron batted them away irately.

Ron quickly sank to his knees. He gave Harry a mischievous smirk before lapping insistently at Harry's arousal. Harry shrieked at the intensely pleasurable sensation of a warm tongue laving at his sensitive veins. Harry grasped at Ron's hair, watching the dark red strands slide through his pale fingers.

Ron continued to suck Harry's cock until he felt it twitch like Harry was about to come, then he pulled of gently, laughing as a string of saliva connecting his mouth to Harry's dick snapped. Harry quivered above him, looking as if he was about to berate Ron for stopping.

"You can't come yet, Harry. Not 'till I'm inside you."

Harry moaned desperately, and felt his cock twitch against his stomach. "If you keep saying things like tha', I won't last that long."

Ron chuckled and stood up surprisingly gracefully and pushed Harry towards the nearest wall. "Turn around, and brace yourself." He demanded.

Harry did as he was told, shivering in anticipation. He felt nothing for a few moments before he heard a whispered spell. His body tingled gently from whatever spell Ron had used. Harry was curious as to what it was, but his arousal outweighed his inclination to ask about it. A few moments later, Harry was startled by a slick warmth against the cheeks of his ass.

'Is Ron really going to…?' Harry's thought was cut off when he felt his cheeks wrench apart, and Ron's tongue lap at his hole. Harry cried out in ecstasy as all of the nerves around his entrance sparked and sang. It felt so good.

The spell Ron used must have been a cleansing spell, as Harry felt Ron push his tongue past the ring of muscles into his tight heat. Harry had never felt anything as incredible as Ron's tongue furled and unfurled against his inner walls.

Ron slurped and sucked Harry's ring, as Harry shivered and moaned above him. Ron made sure to get Harry's hole nice and wet and loose. When Harry squirmed away from him, Ron slapped Harry's arse cheek firmly. Harry groaned loudly in pleasure and pushed his arse back against Ron's tongue.

Ron smirked against Harry's hole, and gave him several sharp smacks to the arse in quick succession. Harry bellowed his pleasure to the ceiling.

Ron decided it was time to move to the next stage, and quickly slid one of his fingers past his tongue into Harry's hole.

Harry started at the intrusion, but quickly relaxed around the digit.

Ron swiveled his finger around Harry's walls, searching for that small nub. He crooked his finger and felt the bump of Harry's prostate. He began to nudge insistently at it as Harry moaned heavily.

Harry began to feel his balls draw up. He wriggled warningly against Ron's finger. He shouldn't have worried because as soon as he began to move, Ron clamped his fingers around the base of Harry's dick.

"Not yet, Harry," Ron reminded as he stuck another finger past Harry's entrance. He stopped nudging against Harry's prostate as often, and focused more on stretching him in preparation. He scissored his two fingers gently but thoroughly before he added his third finger.

Harry tensed up as the third digit was added. It didn't hurt so much, but it was a stretch and it pulled at his insides a little uncomfortably.

Ron soothed him by rubbing his back with his other hand. "It'll feel better in a mo', Harry," he promised.

Harry did start to feel better after a little while. He was beginning to become impatient. He wanted Ron inside him, now.

"Now, Ron," Harry voiced his urgency. Ron looked quickly around the Room for something he could use as lube. He hadn't thought to bring any.

Luckily the Room knew his desire, and produced a bottle of slick on the table right next to him. Ron grabbed the bottle and hastily poured some of the oil in his hand. He quickly spread some over his length before pressing some oil into Harry's hole. He stood suddenly, and spun Harry around to face him.

"Lift up," Ron demanded, hooking one of Harry's legs over his hip. Harry settled his back against the wall as Ron directed his straining cock into Harry's twitching entrance.

Both men moaned as they connected; Ron rubbed his cock against Harry's slick hole. He pushed, gently until the head of his cock popped past the circle of muscle. Ron stilled for a moment to let Harry adjust, before sinking gently into Harry's entrance. A shiver tingled down Harry spine as Ron's cock brushed against his prostate.

"Fuck me," Harry whined a few moments later, gripping Ron's arse and pulling him deeper.

Ron acquiesced, and set a steady rhythm in and out of Harry's tight arse.

Harry squirmed as Ron wasn't hitting the right angle. He wanted to feel more thrusts against his prostate, but he couldn't get into the right position.

Ron felt his need, and placed his hands under Harry's arse and lifted him into the air.

Harry squeaked and wrapped his legs around Ron's waist. Ron used his hands on Harry's hips to guide him up and down his cock. Harry realized that this was the perfect angle to hit his prostate, and mewled in ecstasy.

Ron continued to pound roughly into Harry until he could no longer hold him up. He quickly lowered himself to lie on his back on the couch with his cock still inside Harry.

Harry blinked at the change in position before understanding donned and he maneuvered himself to ride Ron's cock. He used his knees on either side of Ron's waist, and his hands on Ron's chest to propel himself up and down. Harry panted as he rode, and felt the muscles in his thighs protest the stretch. Harry rode Ron quick and roughly for a few more minutes before both men began to feel orgasm approaching. It only a few more bounces before Ron grabbed Harry's hips and stilled him while he sprayed his seed deep inside Harry. The rush of wet warmth inside him caused Harry to erupt as well, shooting himself across Ron's chest.

Harry collapsed on top of his lover, panting wetly into Ron's hair. Ron stroked Harry's back as they both came down from their high. It took several minutes for both men to return their higher senses, and come out of the daze they were under. Harry looked hesitantly into Ron's eyes.

Ron stroked a hand soothingly through Harry's hair. "Are you all right, Harry?"

"I think so," Harry swallowed nervously. "Are- are we..?"

"Together?" Ron finished. Harry nodded his head yes. "Yeah, I suppose we are." He curled his arms around Harry's waist, hugging Harry's body to his. "I can't promise it will last Harry, but I did promise that I would try."

"That's all I really wanted," Harry smiled, and kissed his best friend.

THE END.

**Please review! It only takes a second to feed an author. I'm Starving!**


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